Bored of the Board

Him: We’re going to launch a new fund!

Me:  So that you can make that underperform also?

Him: Our investors would like a new market-neutral strategy!

Me:  We are market-neutral. You lose money when the market’s up, and you lose money when the market’s down.

Him: We’ll make the minimum investment really really high!

Me:  So only the very very very rich and stupid can be in. Hmmm. I like that.

Him: So get all the documents ready, we need to have a product ready to go!

Me:  No. I’m not going to run around like an idiot, putting together, conforming, and negotiating hundreds of pages of agreements with multiple counterparties because you had an “idea” when you have no real notion that people want this product, managed by an ill-educated idiot like you.

Him:  Everything needs to be ready at the end of the month!

Me:  So that you can take out all the expenses from the bottom line, and screw the employees next year. Nice.

Him: Sorry, but everyone just has to work harder!

Me:  Hard to accept that after you’ve come back from two weeks on a beach.

Him: And can you also terminate our lease, coordinate our move to new space, handle the employee relationship problems we have, stop trying to prevent us from violating the law ’cause that’s just costing us money, and get us licensed to do business in 3 Asian countries?

Me: Not for that bonus, brother. I think my headhunter just called.

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